Horrifying horoscopes

As is the case with those born under Sagittarius, I have great luck. Perhaps that was why I avoided death on Thursday evening.

I was on the highway, perhaps two miles from my exit, when I saw a box spring (you know, the thing that a bed mattress rests upon) coming toward me. Fast.

Now of all of the driving hazards I’ve faced — which have included insane motorists driving on the wrong side of the freeway and roads covered in oil and assorted animals (suicidal deer, dogs, cats, pigeons and even swans) — a large component of a bed was arguably the most unlikely.

The box spring came at me with a speed of at least 50 mph, and as I was moving at, ahem, 60, so we had a closing speed of more than 100 mph. I was traveling in the slow lane, and not having time to check what was in the lane to my left, I moved to the right. Unfortunately, I didn’t move quite far enough.

Wham! The driver’s side front of my car collided with the box spring. The box spring obligingly behaved in a decidedly spectacular way: It exploded. Or perhaps vaporized would be a better description. But we’re now looking at around US$6,000 of repairs to my 2-month-old car. (I caught the idiot responsible.)

As one would expect of a brush with death, this event has left me in a decidedly spiritual frame of mind. So I feel fully qualified to branch out journalistically, and I am now going to start dispensing horoscopes for IT professionals…

Capricorn: Financial matters continue to concern your department. Your budget is a joke, and the people in accounting despise you. Your optimism will pay off because a new lifestyle is just around the corner. You did want to drive a cab, didn’t you?

Aquarius: Many exciting strategic programs that were pending appear to be ready to go forward with speed. Sorry, it’s only a mistake you made in your Microsoft Project plan.

Pisces: You may feel as if you need to blow a fuse because your project is off schedule for next January. Don’t let anyone know. The only things that get people into more trouble than telling the truth are handguns and tequila. Instead, learn to be vague and hope the Y2K problems ahead will make everyone forget your project.

Aries: Changing universal energies may create chaotic situations around you. Today is one of those days when your users will leave their brains at home. Call in sick.

Taurus: You may have to suddenly revise your plans and career activities. Hey, someone has to take the fall, and when you’re at the end of the blame chain, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Gemini: Jupiter backs into your solar eleventh, and Sun slides into your sixth shortly thereafter. No one knows what this actually means any more than they can define “workflow.”

Cancer: This is a perfect time to talk about being true to yourself. Learn Perl.

Leo: Do not discuss your plans with co-workers, those in authority, and anyone in a position to make decisions. They don’t care and will attempt to take the credit for anything that works out and heap opprobrium on you for the slightest failure. Business as usual.

Virgo: You know why you’re a Virgo? Too much time playing “Doom.” Get a life.

Libra: No, you won’t get more staff, and your rollout won’t work. And that secretary isn’t interested in you.

Scorpio: Do not discuss your ERP strategy with co-workers, those in authority, or anyone in a position to make real decisions. They won’t care and will attempt to take the credit for anything that does work out and heap opprobrium on you for the slightest failure.

Sagittarius: Beware of large flying objects.

(Astrological signs to nwcolumn@gibbs.com)