All the news that

If I have to go to the supermarket, midnight is my preferred time. No crowds, no crying children and rarely a queue. Of course, no queue means I can’t browse the various fine journals available at the checkout. Journals such as The Weekly World News, which carried the gem above as well as my previous favorite: “Hubble Space Telescope spots Heaven” (with a photo).

Now I figure that if The Weekly World News can get away with blatant nonsense, er, sorry…can report objectively and accurately on important events, then so can we at the Gibbs Weekly Network Obfuscator. Our stories this week:

VATICAN DECLARES OPERATING SYSTEM TO BE WORK OF SATAN — THE VATICAN. In an unusual and significant move, the Pontiff has declared that the Microsoft Windows family of operating systems is the work of the devil. A recently released papal encyclical declares that the repeated crashing and misbehaving of Windows applications can only be attributed to malefic forces. In the encyclical, the Pope advises Catholics everywhere to switch to Linux as soon as possible.

INDUSTRY LEADER SUFFERS FROM RARE MEDICAL CONDITION – REDWOOD SHORES, CALIF. Oracle has revealed that Chairman and CEO Larry Ellison has been unable to leave his office for the last 24 hours due to a rare and serious medical condition: Inflatus Egosis. Inside sources report that the skull of the highly visible and opinionated industry executive is now so large that builders have been called in to demolish walls to free Ellison.

IBM TO REORIENT BUSINESS — RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK, N.C. In a surprise move, IBM today announced a far-reaching corporate repositioning. A company spokesman announced that following the recent decision to get out of networking through an agreement with Cisco, the board had examined other key business areas and decided to get out of computers altogether. Inside sources say the company is considering entering the world of women’s fashions and cosmetics.

MICROSOFT DISAPPEARS IN COSMIC EVENT — REDMOND, WASH. The first black hole ever seen in this part of the universe has been discovered where the campus of computer industry giant Microsoft was previously located. Black holes, predicted by physicists and inferred from phenomena observed in remote galactic formations, are thought to be the result of huge amounts of matter compacting to the point at which no matter or light can escape due to the intense gravitational pull. NASA investigators at the site theorize that the sheer volume of money flowing into the corporation created adequate mass to spontaneously trigger the anomaly.

AOL OFFERS ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION, REJECTS COURT DECISION — NEW YORK. In a surprise move, America Online Chairman Steve Case challenged AT&T Chairman C. Michael Armstrong to a duel to the death over a recent legal defeat. An AOL company spokesperson said the summary judgment against AOL, which had tried to claim the phrases “You have mail,” “IM” and “buddy list” as trademarks, was unacceptable and Case would only relinquish his company’s claim through manly combat. Armstrong has yet to accept the challenge although industry commentators say the duel will occur if Armstrong gets to select the location and choice of weapon.